Yeah, I know (again) I have disappeared off the face of the planet but I got involved in something (a big work project) that was like a free-time black hole and I am just, nearly, almost out of it – not quite – but nearly. I don’t want to hex it though, so I am still in it, oh yes.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes Cliché Ridden Cod Philosophy / Advice. You probably have no idea what I am talking about.
I am on Facebook (who isn’t?) and i am starting to find that trawling through the feed is starting to feel like sorting through my post after I have returned from holiday. The crazy thing about Facebook is that in order to start using it effectively and securely you have to firstly install AdBlock or something similar so that you don’t see advertising everywhere that is targeted specifically at you because Facebook have sold your data to their ‘business partners’ who are also getting screwed because everyone uses Adblock.
Then you have to go through your security settings so that random lunatics in maximum security prisons can’t stalk you virtually so that when they are on medicated release they can hunt you down and use you as a sadistic plaything…and then post the pictures on Facebook so that all your friends can comment and say ‘LOL’ or ‘I wish there was an unlike button :(‘
Then you have to click through your feed and indicate that you do not care about Farmville or that some person you met in a telemarketing job fifteen years ago has beat their high score on Bejewelled.
Then you have to filter out the messages from people who have subjugated their entire identity to their work and use Facebook as some kind of rolling billboard to flash advertising at their friends for goods or services that you would never possibly need, afford or in any way, shape or form find vaguely interesting.
Roach Investments annual free party for rich people was a peasant-whackingly successful blow out – Ivana Crimptom-Smythe-Xing trashed her Gucci dress. Great PR for Roach investments: using child labour to secure your future. See you next year!
Fuck. Right. Off.
Our new website headlining our new product line of active matrix super compressors for turning bauxite into turbine emulsion for large hall turbines is gone live – check it out!
Why? Why would I check it out? Yes, I would love to buy some emulsion because I happen to have a $2Bn turbine sitting in my garden shed?
THEN there are the chain letter type status’ imploring you to post the same status to highlight some issue and if you don’t you are, by implication, evil:
Post this in your status if you have ever, or know anyone, or know anyone who knows anyone, who knows someone who has suffered from irritable bowel syndrome. Scratching your arse continually is no laughing matter and if you don’t post this you might get it yourself and then you’ll regret not posting this, won’t you? Hmm? Hmm?
But my personal pet hate is cod philosophy/ advice. You know the stuff:
Friends are like rainbows. They come in all colours but they’re all beautiful colours and if you follow them to the end you’ll find a little pot of gold coins and every gold coin will have love printed on one side and happiness printed on the other with a little dancing leprechaun called Hope.
People may knock you down, push you into a hole, fill it with concrete and then blow it up with shape charges and then send the debris into space on a rocket with a self destructive AI computer…but as long as you have love in your heart and hope in your eyes you will persevere.
No. No you won’t. You know what? Everyone likes giving out advice, very little of it useful. The Dalai Lama is seemingly on Favebook 24/7 posting various bits of wisdom that I think he nicked off The Waltons – they’re more like a collection of clichés rather than tangible nuggets of truth that you can apply to your life. Heres an example:
Today, more than ever before, life must be characterized by a sense of Universal responsibility, not only nation to nation and human to human, but also human to other forms of life.
Thats great buddy, but any solutions? Or just bumper sticker quotations? It’s all well and good sitting around like Mr Mayagi talking shite but someone needs to paint the bloody fence, you see what I’m saying?
Anyway, heres my bit of advice:
Life is hard. For most it is very hard. It is relative to your own experience. The percentage of people who are arseholes remains constant though.