Maybe I need to qualify this statement: I am now a self published author.

The wonders of technology – and Amazon – have made this possible. Although it was a bit of an arseache I have published my first book on Kindle, the joyful black tablet (that’s also available on iPhone, Android and iPad as an app) that has made traditional publishers a tiny bit nervous.

I wrote this book a while ago and took the manuscript to a whole bunch of traditional publishers. I managed to actually get it on the desk of the editor who publishes thrillers and he read it and he liked it…but not enough to publish it. Which is a bummer. He  - rather nicely – sent it onto three friends of his who were literary agents and they liked it…but not enough to publish it.

Then, I sort of slunk off, my tail between my legs, feeling as if I had had a great chance and I sort of blew it.

The editor gave me some good advice and told me which sections to work on and which to leave well alone; he told me to read a selection of authors who were in the same segment and he advised me to write as much as I possibly can. So, I worked on my manuscript a bit, I read some other authors working in the same sector and I started a blog so that I could get used to writing every day.

Then a penny dropped (in extreme slow-motion) that I could publish it as an ebook. So I investigated publishing on the iPad but it was so bloody complicated that I just gave up and then, one day, as I mooched around Amazon I saw – down at the bottom – that I could self publish and discovered that it wasn’t that complicated and I could use what I had. So I did.

Today, you can search for my name (Michael Shevlin) on Amazon and you will get a few hits. There is a guy who has the same name as me who is a child psychologist – that ain’t me. My book is called Insecure and is about two brothers who rob a bank even though they don’t want to and don’t know how to.

I kind of wrote it a while ago and there are bits I love (the last few chapters) and there are bits I don’t like. Some of the dialogue needs a bit of work and there are some little diatribes in it that make me cringe a bit but overall I don’t think it’s too bad for a first effort – I enjoyed writing large sections of it and I got stuck on one bit for ages…and then just wrote through it.

So. I now need everyone’s help. I know nothing about marketing or promotion or any of that bullshit. I don’t have a marketing budget like Hodder or Random House. But the way I figure it is this: I really want to write for a living and write books. I think I could be good. I am not going to win the Booker prize but I might be read by a lot of people in airports…and that’s fine by me; so I need to use my meagre network to help me sell and promote my book.

I think that if everyone I know on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn buys a copy (for the princely sum of £1.80 or something) and asks all of their friends to buy a copy…then maybe it could chart and maybe people might like it and maybe I might sell a few thousand and then maybe I can write another with a bit of interest to back it up.

I know, it’s a lot of maybes.

So, will everyone help me to stick one up the traditional publishers and when they come grovelling to my door and ask if they can publish my book traditionally I can say: begone! I smite thee! I did it without your help, you ignorant J.K. Rowling rejectors!?

G’wan.

Even if you don’t buy you could promote it for me. If you’ll do this for me then when it gets made into a film I’ll get you a part – all of you.

G’wan!

1. A Week in December – Sebastian Faulks This is the first time I have read anything by Mr Faulks. AWID is about a bunch of disparate individuals that are slices of modern, London life: a hedge fund trader, a book reviewer, a tube driver (you get the idea) and a snapshot of a week…in December. Faulks weaves their lives together somehow (shit, it sounds like bloody Love Actually…) and it ends in a climatic finish…blah-de-blah. Some of the stories are a bit weak but what staggered me was the sheer amount of research required for this book – each person’s life is presented in exquisite detail and in some ways this book is like a modern day mash-up of McEwan’s Saturday and Amis’ Money. Overall: Beautifully written, compelling and sometimes brilliant 9/10
2. Solar – Ian McEwan Ian McEwan must be one of my favouritest writer people. So I was looking forward to Solar because the Mail said that it is: ‘…a novel that is both profoundly serious and hilariously funny.‘ The Independent also said that: ‘...Ian McEwan is not generally known as a write of laugh-out-loud fiction, but Solar – inspired by the uncomic subject of climate change – is just that.’ The Sunday Times said that Solar is: ‘…entertaining – and often very funny.’ So I practically ripped the pages open to read McEwan givin’ it some. Oh. Deary. Me. Solar is a lame, dull book about…ah, I can’t be arsed. Overall: Unfunny, predictable and painful 0/10
3. The Passage – Juston Cronin I love a good vampire book and this is a cracker. Set in the future (sometime), it chronicles the lives of a group of survivors of a battle between vampires and humans as they struggle to maintain the life of their batteries and keep the dark at bay. The vampires in The Passage are possibly the scariest vampires in literature and make The Lost Boys look like Boyzone. Overall: Twilight it ain’t. Dark, addictive and brilliant 8/10
4. Life – Keith Richards Me too, I thought he was dead as well. Turns out he isn’t and is still cranking out dodgy albums with The Stones. I like the early Stones music but the later stuff I find to be MOR dirge barely worthy of being muzak in Top Man. He has lived an mental life and his utterly brutal honesty is a breath of fresh air when compared to other autobiographies and some of the stuff you cannot believe he has admitted. His failings as a father, his animosity towards Mick Jagger and his spiral into drugs – are all tackled frankly, without ego and with total candour. It is also written beautifully (I think it might be ghost written) and the only thing he doesn’t admit is the musical slide of The Stones…but he very much implies it. Overall: Honest, brutal and sometimes very funny. An excellent musical memoir. 9/10
5. Slow Motion – Dani Shapiro This is the tale of how a well-to-do jewish girl in New York has a long affair with her friends’ dad, slides into addiction and then eventually loses everything. I kind of liked this. She comes across as a little bit of a narcissist but she writes so, so well that I was willing to forgive her. Her gradual slide is well described and some of the scenes she recalls are hugely evocative and very moving. Overall: a bit of a slow burner but it has it’s moments 6/10

Desperation – Stephen King I just don’t know why I bother with Stephen King anymore. This is like reading someone trying to write like Stephen King but who has no ideas whatsoever. Overall: Desperate by name, desperate by nature. Didn’t finish it. 0/10

Lee Child – Killing Floor I have seen so many of his books at the airport that I thought: I have to read one of them. Again, lad-lit, but I found it was well paced and easy reading. This is not high-art, the plot is a bit Melrose Place (maybe even sub-Melrose Place) and the lead character is a bit of a lug…but I enjoyed it! Overall: Like M&Ms; not that nutritious but you just can’t stop once you start. 5/10

The Radleys – Matt Haig Another vampire book, this time about vampires trying to live a normal life with the aid of intricate lies and factor 50 sunscreen. It reads a little bit like a channel 4 mini series but has it’s moments. Overall: Easier to read than a comic but with less depth 5/10

Sister – Rosamund Lupton Sister tells a story about how a sister tries to discover the cause of her sisters death. Set in a pretty dourly described London the sister in question (who is about as annoying as a sweaty wedgie) keeps plugging away Sarah Lund style until she uncovers the truth. Overall: tense, dark and quite unpredictable. 6/10

October Skies – Alex Scarrow A time shift novel (again) about a wagon train heading over the rockies in the 19th century that meets disaster. Told through the diaries of a doctor I found myself totally absorbed by this. Overall: creepy, compulsive but a silly ending 7/10

Full Dark No Stars – Stephen King I read this later in the year and it has four short stories that vary in quality. A couple are awesome and really are like vintage King…but then a couple are pants and read like other stories he has written before. Overall: glimpses of greatness, but a little derivative 4/10

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Millennium Trilogy) – Stieg Larsson Everyone has read this lot. I am on the last one at the moment and the reason why they are so good is that Larsson writes with no real style at all. It’s like a journalistic record of something that happened. Also, in Lisbeth Salander he has created one of the greatest anti-heroes in literature. Overall: The detail and breadth of the writing make it all worth the effort 8/10

1. Margrave of the Marshes – John Peel et al John Peel was my musical lighthouse, steering me away from the ship-wreckin’ headland of MOR, Bon Jovi and Bros. He introduced me to grunge, hip-hop and The Fall. But, more than that, he seemed to have a genuine love of the music; you always got the feeling that he enjoyed everything he played. Also, he did a show on Radio 4 called Home Truths that was…funny, irreverent and genuine. I felt that I practically grew up with his family. Anyway – he started his autobiography and died about a 100 pages in which is a shame as those 100 pages are also funny, irreverent and genuine. After that his wife takes over (and a couple of his children pitch in as well) and it turns into a biography-by-numbers and was a bit of a grind to finish (to be perfectly frank) – his family obviously loved him very much but they can’t write for toffee. Overall:  Fans only, but a charity shop purchase for everybody else 5/10
2. The Hunger Games (Pt 1) – Suzanne Collins YA lit is what this is called. Yeah, I had to look that up as well: Young Adult Literature is the proper name. I bloody hate acronyms used pointlessly. Anyway, The Hunger Games is about a gladiatorial contest – to the death! – that is fought entirely by children…which is a future TV format that Simon Cowell is hoping to exploit after he has wrung-dry the X-Factor. There is a whole backstory behind why it’s called The Hunger Games and why some kids are picked over others but it would be a bit like me explaining the National Lottery Thunderball Game – most of you will glaze over by the second sentence and still not understand it…as if anyone does. Anyway, muchos high-jinks ensues blah-de-blah-de-blah. You can read The Hunger Games whilst watching Friends – it’s that light – and I imagine most ‘Young Adults’ (what the hell is wrong with the word teenager? Eh?) won’t find it that challenging either. Finally my over-arching thought when reading it was: isn’t this Battle Royale re-written for the American market? Overall: Like an Aero – it’s light, quick to consume and makes you want more. Not too bad at all…but Battle Royale it ain’t 6/10
3. Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything – Steven D. Levitt & Stephen J. Dubner I have touched upon this book in another post. But this is a book about statistics. I know that’s not a sentence to give you literary wood, but there you are – this is what this is about. What is great, though, is that it takes a crazy premise like ‘Why do drug dealers always live with their mothers?’ and tries to find the statistical reason behind it. The reason why most drug dealers live with their mothers is that drug dealing  (and drug dealing gangs) are organised like any other corporation and the people at the bottom rarely get paid well and are only doing it because of an invented kudos (most dealers on the bottom rung barely make minimum wage.) Yeah, granted, some make big bucks – but isn’t that true of Starbucks or Tesco? So…they live at their Mum’s because they haven’t got the liquidity…dawg. Overall: Interesting, accessible and sometimes genuinely surprising 9/10
4. Wolf Hall – Hilary Mantel Wolf Hall is factionalised account of the story of Cromwell – chief advisor to Cardinal Wolsey and then Cardinal himself – under Henry VIII. It won the Booker prize in 2009, so it must be a belter? Right? Errr…no. My problem with it is threefold. Firstly, it does that whole flashing backwards and forwards through time (rather than telling it in a linear fashion) that is just utterly confusing and wholly unnecessary – it’s a history book! History, last time I checked, works in a linear fashion because of that other linear constant…what is it? Oh yeah, time. Secondly, there is a huge cast of characters; some feel important…but turn out not to be…and some just blend together. It’s just too much. Lastly, the Booker Prize. Is it just me or do they give it to a shit book every other year? My feeling with Wolf Hall is that she shouldn’t have won it because the plot, you know, ain’t her creation – you know what I’m saying? So you’d think that the rest should be tip-bloody-top. I think she fucked up big style here, IMHO. Overall: want the lowdown on The Tudors? Watch Blackadder, it’s funnier  1/10
5. Weapons of Choice: World War 2.1 – John Birmingham This is Lad-Lit. So, it starts with a simple premise which is: what would happen if a 2025 battle group went back to the middle of World War 2? Obviously, they initially put down some wuppin’ but after a while the contemporary officers have to deal with some other issues such as: How do you deal with racism when a fair proportion of your crew and half your officers are non-white? How do you deal with sexism? How do you control access to modern technology when it is so powerful? Do you share history? How do we change the course of the war? Should we intervene? So, what starts out as a pretty daft What If? novel ends up as a complicated political and strategic dissection of what would happen. Sure there are some right barmy sections and the characters are a bit Trumpton – but it is madly compelling. Overall: Sometimes bonkers, always interesting and could have been really shit…but isn’t 9/10

Nancy was overjoyed to see Zizoo who smells worse than ever after his ordeal.

‘We have spoken to everyone who knows Zizoo and followed up all the leads from those interviews,’ said MrShev, chief investigator, ‘but so far none of these have resulted in any fresh information.’

Searchers were seen late last night searching the area know as The Sofa Area and after looking under every cushion, looking under the coffee table and searching the immediate vicinity they came out empty handed. There was also extensive searches of all the bathrooms and the hallway – a known haunt of Zizoo – but these have proved to be fruitless. It is widely believed that the search cordon has been widened to include Mummy and Daddy’s room and Darling Son’s room and searches of these areas have begun in earnest today.

There have also been rumours that there has been an extensive search of The Princess Castle that is located in Darling Daughter’s room, a notorious hotspot frequented by naked babies, Barbies and the gang known as ‘The Happy Land People.’ There are also unconfirmed reports that the M.I.A soldier known as ‘Action Man‘ is hidden within the thin walls of the castles and that he is also believed to be naked. MrShev, though, refused to be drawn on the rumours about the Princess Castle; ‘I have visited the Princess Castle many times. Indeed, I have been in it,’ he said, ‘we haves searched within it and questioned it’s inhabitants but even though we shook down Barbie and the HLG’s [Happy Land Gang] pretty hard there was no mention of Zizoo.’ Asked about the location of Action Man, he said: ‘That is a separate and on-going investigation that is in no way connected to the hunt for Zizoo.’

MrsShev, fellow chief investigator, denied that the search was being scaled down, ‘we have extended the search area to include the car and all coat pockets.’ Asked what the next stage in the search would be, she said, ‘we have considered bringing in sniffer dogs but it was concluded that Zizoo was smelly enough that dogs wonldn’t be needed.’

A further development that has come to light is alleged abuse of Zizoo by Darling Daughter. MrShev refused to be drawn on the matter but a un-named source, but bears an uncanny resemblance to her brother, said this: ‘she is always throwing him, biting him and wiping food on him – she even burnt him on a candle and cut him with scissors.’

‘The most important issue at the moment is that Zizoo must be found,’ said MrShev, ‘the alleged accusations of abuse are something we’ll deal with when the time is right. The most important thing for now is for us to continue our work and not give up hope.’

The search continues.

All this effort though, I think, does count for something. When you have children, Christmas does take on a new meaning. I remember Christmas when I was a kid and I still remember the excitement of Christmas Eve, writing letters to Santa Claus, midnight mass and all the glorious food. But having kids has also taught me that we all live through our children a bit – I look at the decorations in towns and villages and think: that’s not for the grown ups, is it? I mean, I like them an’ all, but my children love them. Every time they see them they say ahhh, Whereas I think: I wonder if when one of the bulbs goes the whole circuit goes kaput?

So, I think we go through stages of Chrimbo-dom:

1. The Whatever Phase I As a baby, you don’t give a monkey’s nuts about having a fern tree in your house covered with easily breakable shiny objects that shatter into razor-sharp shards at the merest touch. As a parent, you obviously try your best to instil the spirit of consumerism as early as possible, but they are still a bit meh about the whole thing.
2. The Pavlov Phase Toddlers have just grasped that when people start sticking lights on everything and snow appears in all the episodes of their favourite TV shows then they are gonna get toys wrapped in paper. They only understand this on the actual day and the tree is still a thing to be stripped of baubles – but they’re starting the get it.
3. The Dickensian Phase I estimate – using the patented formula of pulling a figure out of my arse – that children between the ages of 4 and 14 basically love Christmas. They 95% believe the Santa Claus myth (just drunken adults and spiteful other children who try and give the game away…), they get excited about Christmas more than the average high street retailer and get depressed when you take down the tree and decorations. They watch Christmas movies willingly, they listen to (and sing!) Christmas songs (that are by any measure, shite) and eat Christmas fayre (I fucking hate that word) with enthusiasm  - though, in keeping with tradition, draw the line at Brussels Sprouts…which is fair enough, I say.
4. The Whatever Phase II Whilst within a whirlwind of spiking hormones, maudlin self-doubt and cronic skin and body odour issues teenagers can be forgiven for putting Christmas on the back burner. After a certain age christmas, instead, becomes something to endure and any nostalgic feelings of what-it-used-to-be are quickly swept under the bulging rug called: uncool. I remember being a reet skulking bastard of a teenager, pumping out a dirge of gothic insecurity anthems from under my bedroom door on my Bush stereo, growing inappropriate amounts of barnet and I even went so far as to become vegetarian. Why? Who knows, lost in the sands of time. I probably just wanted to piss off my parents…or impress a girl. But I was from an irish household and the endless platters of meat sandwiches, Saturday and Sunday roasts; and sausages-as-snacks ground me down…plus, having pizza for your Chrimbo dinner is just depressing. Pizza! For Christmas! Even Italians, I’m sure, draw the line there.
5. The Rein-sneer Phase It is a 120% factorama that everyone goes through this phase. Everyone. ‘Christmas is sooo commercial…I soooo hate the forced bonhomie…I sooooo hate all the stodgy food…it’s soooo just an excuse to get drunk and engage in conspicuous consumption…’ Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I know, being down about christmas is just so Hoxton but, you what? Lighten the fuck up. Better yet, have some children then suddenly – bam! – you are down Hamleys faster than Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and drinking eggnog in your season jumper with enough fairy lights illuminating your home that you could bodge together enough to fashion a make-do runway for jet fighters if needed. It passes.
6. The Ironic Phase Using the Grande Tente du Fromage that is irony you can embrace every cheap, nasty and tacky aspect of Christmas without let or hindrance as long as you keep reminding everyone that your utter immersion into all things Christmas is ironic. So you nudge and wink yourself through christmas without realising that you’re finalising your future Christmas traditions…
7. The Self-Destruct Phase This is the stage I am at. My kids love Christmas, everything about it, and my biggest concern is that they’re happy. Unfortunately, trying to ensure that you achieve the impossible dream (a mixture of It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol and Big) entails stress, worry, organisation and expense. Trying to find the perfect tree, cook the perfect Christmas dinner, find the perfect present and have the perfect day is impossible and all it does is make us lousy parents because we get so frigging stressed out by this impossibly high bar that we take it out on the poor little mites we’re trying to build this mythological construct for.

I was going to try and make 12 but couldn’t hit that…but I’m okay with that.

That’s the thing about Christmas is learning to be okay with the Christmas you have rather than trying to reach for something that is always going to elude your grasp. But we should still try, though, because I have always thought that just trying to buy a great present for someone  - no matter the capitalist agenda associated with purchasing that present – shows that you love someone enough to try.

Where is MrShev on this list? I am at seven…and three. I think Christmas is great. I love all the traditions that each family has, I like buying presents for people whom I care about, I like mince pies, I like having a pine tree in my house, I love the crappy Christmas specials and I could watch It’s A Wonderful Life every Christmas and not get bored.

Do I overbuy for the kids? A bit. But we also buy a lot of second hand and stocking fillers – but the reaction to something as small as a bouncing ball from one of my children makes it all worth it…and seeing their expressions when they have discovered that the carrots and mince pies we left for Santa have been eaten is priceless. These are cliches, but seeing the cliches writ large is what makes it all worthwhile, I guess…

Anyhoo – one of the books that I am reading is called Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Investigates the Hidden Side of Everything. The writers ask some pretty ‘out there’ questions like: why do drug dealers live with their mothers? Does reading your children bedtime stories make your children smarter? Who cheat more, kids or teachers? Do estate agents make more money selling their own house than yours?* You get the idea.

Some of the data that the writers (Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner) write about and dissect is truly astonishing. But, in a chapter on parenting, they casually threw in the following statement: ‘…the data shows that car seats are, at best, nominally helpful.’

I read that and thought,‘buuuulll-sheeeeeeeeit!’ You just need to look at the bloody things, with their four point harnesses, side impact protection systems and rigourous fitting instructions that forbid you to drive anywhere without one or your child WILL DIE – all printed, lovingly, using the exact same pictograms the airline industry uses it it’s air-safety guides (like those will make a difference as the cartwheeling, fireball of fuselage plummets towards the ground at 400mph…). Surely, they must be safer than no car seat? I mean, the car seats we bought for our urchins cost – like – loads. A ton at least. For a chair! They’re not even Arne Jacobsen chairs…

So, I did a bit of research and guess bloody what? A child between the ages of 1 and 4 is – actually – 54% more likely to survive a crash in a child car seat (a baby under the age of 1 is 71%) than with no restraints at all. Source

Let’s read that sentence again, shall we?

If your child is wearing no restraints at all they are definitely 46% more likely to die in a crash – I mean, that’s bloody obvious really, isn’t it?. You could make them wear egg boxes and drop that figure a bit I reckon…and newborns cannot physically sit in a car without a car seat, that’s a given.

So, is there data out there that determines if your child would be as safe wearing a conventional seat belt? You know, those loopy things that live in the back of your car? No, there isn’t.

So the authors compiled their own data at the same test centre (they had to do it anonymously) the seat manufacturers and car makers use to test their safety and they found that there was no difference at all in whether a kids wears a seat belt or uses a car seat AND the testers went as far as to say that some booster seats were in some circumstances more dangerous as it placed the child in an elevated position. Fuck me. Source - Source: Video - Source: refutation

This kind of enrages me a bit because these things aren’t cheap and it turns out they are 50% fear marketing and 50% bullshit. The other side thing is how car rental companies use these (virtually pointless objects) to fiscally bone me at the rental counter. Finally, if there was some suspicion that the restraints in cars themselves were inadequate for protecting our most precious cargo then the car manufacturers themselves should have provided a solution  \but they didn’t because they knew they were and were thus complicit in allowing Britax and Reccarro and all these leeching bastards to skim money off parents. FINALLY – it’s now law to have your child cocooned in one of these chocolate teapots that could possibly put the survival of your child in the balance.

So, woo-fuckin’-hoo for the power of marketing, exploitation-fear, upselling a product we don’t need using juiced numbers and convincing governments that they know best – ooh, sounds like a bunch of hedge fund managers, doesn’t it?

Maybe time for some independent research and perhaps the car manufacturers could step-up and install a child safety system in every car they make.

All this is by-the-by – but it is a great book…and I am still going to keep my kids in child car seats because, well, they keep the little blighters in one place and that must be a major safety factor, no? Sorry I haven’t posted much. Busy, tis all.

* 1.Because they don’t earn very much. 2.No. 3. Teachers. 4.They try harder to sell theirs than yours.

Powerpoint in it's purest form

Hey, another post from my other life at Brodard. This one is about Powerpoint. How I hate that software. If I were to do a presentation now I’d do it with crayon drawings and give everyone milkshakes…or send an email.

You would think that with the advent of PowerPoint and all the potential cleverness it promises we could somehow muster up a decent presentation. We all, sometimes, have to present ideas, concepts or information to groups of people. Sometimes the content can be boring but the beauty of a tool like PowerPoint is that it can help present that information in a digestible form. You just have to know how.

Recent research from the University of California has highlighted ‘PowerPoint Overload’ as something a lot of employees are suffering because of a glut in PowerPoint presentations. Death by a thousand bullet points, if you like. There is a common misconception that you should put no more than six lines of text on a slide. This is now thought to be too much. “Cognitive overload” is the technical term. Like watching paint dry is the not so technical term.

You see, the human brain is not very good at multitasking and the brain has limited capacity for audio and visual inputs and visual inputs. If you overload this mechanism then nothing goes in, and they block each other out. I bet you’re all sat there thinking: ‘great, I just need to put in a succession of pictures of fluffy kittens and then everyone will learn about the new I.T system without even realising it.’ Well, yes…and no.

So, here is my five point plan to rejuvenate your presentations and make you employee of the month:

1. Create visual hooks A visual hook is an image, drawing or diagram that echoes the audio. For example, if you are talking about the sales figures for the first quarter then you need to illustrate that with a pie chart. If you are talking about a new product line you are launching then you need to show a picture of the actual product. It feels patronising even writing this, like I am telling you how to tie your shoelaces, but this will transform your presentations. Really.
2. Use off-screen notes Use this feature for in-depth information and then you can de-clutter your slides. So, if you have lot’s lots of information on the breeding patterns of domestic cats, their growth rates and care regime then you can have a slide with a picture of a fluffy kitten and then read your notes. Your audience will be mesmerised by the picture of the fluffy kitten and take in everything you are saying. Then you can print out your presentation with the off-screen notes, references and citations and look dead clever. You might even get a promotion.
3. Don’t read what is on the slide Newsflash: if you are working for a modern, global business with offices in five continents and thousands of employees it is a strong possibility that the people you are presenting to can read. If you are going to read what is on the slide then you’re making yourself redundant and you might as well run your presentation as a slideshow, go for an early lunch and leave your audience to it.
4. Resist the urge to add crummy animations and 3d text I have worked within the animation industry for more years I care to recount. I can animate in 2d, 3d and I can even turn my hand at stop-frame. But I have never, ever been able to make anything animate in PowerPoint and make it look good. Or even just okay. I know it’s tempting. I know it adds an element of ‘fun’ to your presentation (and we all know that people who add fun to anything are people best avoided) but promise me you won’t ever use it. Ever. Promise? That goes for text ‘effects’ as well. I mean, really, are you four years old? ? Don’t do it.
5. Less is more If, when you open a slide, your audience utters a collective: woah… then there is too much information on the slide. Instead of sentences, put words. Instead of three bar charts, split the graphics over three slides. Also, do you want the biggest graphic design secret since seeing the arrow in the FedEx logo? Minimalistic consistency. There, I’ve said it. I have betrayed the entire design world. What designers do is pick a font size for titles, another font size for sub headings and a smaller font size for body text. Then, they keep it consistent by creating a master slide and duplicating it. Try it, it really is that easy.

This is blasphemy I hear you cry. Make my slides simpler? De-clutter? Use more images? It’ll look like I haven’t done any work. They’ll fire me.

No they won’t. Your presentations will look slicker, be more fluid and engaging and sound more professional. Your off-screen notes will show where the hard work has gone and sourcing images for 50 or 60 slides is no mean feat.

And remember: have fun.

I didn’t just say that.

After driving for around a day and a half in London traffic, we joined a massive queue of MPVs waiting to park in an area approximately the size of Luxembourg and there were already a couple of kids tantruming in the car-park because their parents wouldn’t buy them an ice-cream at 10 o’clock in the morning from one of the thoughtfully provided Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream vending machines situated every ten yards or so. Luckily, because of the Swiss school system’s gentle approach, neither of my kids can read the words: ice-cream or Ben & Jerry’s so they thought the machines were part of the attraction. Besides, Ben & Jerry’s costs about as much as a bottle of Scotch in Swizzerland, so they’ve barely tasted it…

I organised to meet some friends there and we had studied school timetables and half-term start and end dates like a bunch of archeologists bent over hieroglyphics  - but alas, the complexities of half term times in England and Wales were beyond us university educated idiots so Legoland was a heaving throng of parents and kids.

After confusion (on their part) about my internet tickets they thoughtfully slapped on a sticker (with my phone number) on each of my kids, which promptly fell off to join the hundreds of other stickers with phone numbers on which are collected around the ticket turnstiles – in the event that your child gets separated from you I imagine a Legoland employee sifts through this sorry pile ringing every number until they join the family up again. Failing that, they could peel off the many others I found stuck to walls, toilet seats and benches. Great system, I thought.

Anyway, here are some thoughts on my experience:

The Good

1. Rides Some of them were tremendous and my kids loved them but I found the people who manned the rides hardcore killjoys whose maniacal obsession with height restrictions made them wield the ‘F’ bar like some kind of religious relic. The fuckers.
2. The Lego Models As you would expect Lego managed to rope in some top lego building expertise to model, well, the world. London, Paris, New York – all crafted in loving detail with some witty touches. They needed a good clean, but that would be my only critique of them really.
3. The Pirate Show I have seen a couple of these type of shows before and then tend to be, on the whole, shite. But this one was excellent. It was exciting, enthusiastic and had lots of crazy pyrotechnics and stunts. The kids loved it.
4. Merchandise Well, obviously it was all lego but it was all good, it was all quality – you don’t get that in many theme parks. You can buy actual models of the things you did, which is kind of awesome. The only downside was the relentlessness of the sell…it was like being in a Lego advert. I felt like one of the PG Tips chimps.

The Bad

1. Cost At nearly 100 real, British pounds to get three (count ‘em) people in I thought that Legoland was outrageously expensive. Firstly, my ticket cost…[cue: drum roll...] £48.00. Really. Firstly, I only get to go on a few of the rides (and honestly, I wouldn’t care if I went on none) and secondly – I am free childcare! Plus there are a few rides and experiences you have to pay extra for, which is a bit cheeky. But I thought that they showed real attention to detail by making you pay for your parking at at the end of the day. So thoughtful.
2. Food Every type of bad, unhealthy, vitamin deficient food had some kind of presence in Legoland. The only food vendor that I seemed to have missed was one selling Palm Oil milkshakes or lard lollipops. All the food was shit. Even the coffee was shit. I struggled to buy a bottle of water but thoughtfully it was really, really easy to buy a bottle of Coca-cola or Fanta.
3. Queues It was busy and on one ride we had to wait around half an hour, which is hard with small children. I know it’s not Legoland’s fault – but maybe (here’s a crazy idea) they should make the days when they know it’s going to be busy, cheaper! You get to do less stuff so you should pay less, no? But no, what they thoughtfully do (I thought) is make you pay more. They’re real heroes.
4. Queue Jumpers I hate this, it is morally wrong that you can cough up more money and then jump to the front of the queue. Let less people in. Make more rides. But don’t let people pay to jump the queue.

There are a few sentences that strike fear into my heart as much as ‘Let’s have a meeting.’ (the others are, if you’re interested: ‘I’m afraid an internal examination is necessary’ and ‘this will hurt and there may be a burning smell.’).

My attitude to meetings has always be the rule of half: half of meetings are pointless, half the people in the meeting shouldn’t be there and the duration of the meeting should be half as long as scheduled. I think that if you stick to this quick rule of thumb you can’t go far wrong.

I’m a pussy cat, really, but I used to have a bit of a fearsome reputation in corporate life. When I left said corporation and had my exit interview (‘with your leaving we can improve the work-place environment…for everybody - like I am an organ donor or something) they revealed that one of the reasons I had this so-called reputation was when I hosted meetings they were remembered as being ‘brutal.’ How can you possibly have a brutal meeting?

Well, I’ll tell you how (cue drum roll).

1. Know why you’re there I can’t recall the number of meetings I was in where the attendees were like Iowa dairy farmers recently abducted by aliens: ‘D’ya know why we’re here?’ ‘Nope.’ ‘D’yau know what they want with us?’ ‘Nope, but I reckon it ain’t good…’ If you’re sitting in a meeting and you have no idea why you’re there then you are in an awful meeting, which is bad. Or the wrong one, which is worse.
   
2. Attendees Do a quick headcount and assess whether any random people have wandered in, like errant sheep, because they felt they ought to be there or more likely they came for the free Danish pastries and coffee. Get rid of the stragglers straight away. I ruffled a few feathers doing this, unsurprisingly. I found the direct approach worked for me: ‘why are you here?’ normally sorted the wheat from the chaff.
3. Food Get rid of the Danish pastries and coffee. This is not a soccer-mom meet up about bake sales, this is meeting to decide upon an important course of action. I know it seems inhospitable – but if you want pastries and coffee? Go to Starbucks.
4. Stay on subject. As tempting as it may be to talk about what was on Television last night, if Barbara from accounts was previously a man or how bad the coffee is in the cafeteria: stay on subject. Everyone is busy and it can be a rare opportunity to get everyone involved in a project to iron out gremlins, so wasting everyone’s time is self-defeating. Unless it is – actually – about how bad the coffee is in the cafeteria, in which case: blue-sky think that problem out of the stadium with some solution seeking dialogue.
5. Have a strong Chair No, I am not grossly overweight. What I mean is that whoever hosts the meeting should keep it tight, on schedule and on subject. Accept no back-chat, gossiping, monologues, bitching, treatises, moaning, joking, soliloquies, whispering or flirting. I have seen all of these in meetings at one time or another.
6. Keep it short If people are nodding off or fidgeting in their chairs, much like children at a family dinner, then your meeting has gone on for too long. I had a boss who insisted on stand-up meetings and they sure do focus the mind. I always felt that half an hour (remember the rule of half) was about the length of time before people started looking out the window or drawing intricate war scenes on their legal pads. Normally with you as the central combatant.
7. Be Punctual If you start a meeting late it will over run and then knock on to the next meeting and before you know it the corridor outside the conference room will look like a doctor’s waiting room. Over run even further and people will end up with saucepans stuck on their heads. FACT.
8. Be Spontaneous Sometimes, if the opportunity presents itself, it can be great to organise an impromptu meeting in a cafe or at someone’s desk. It can often be the case that when you take the formality out of it, previously reticent colleagues will contribute towards the process in valuable and unforseen ways. Don’t, however, organise a meeting in the toilets – that is just weird.

So, if you follow these eight simple steps then you too can become a fearsome chair of meetings.

Or you could call a meeting to discuss it.